"You're a big selfish hoofer and you're never gonna change..."
Man, unfortunately, Ashby's right. I haven't been posting on here as of late. That's probably because the net's out at our place, and right now, I'm inbetween classes and in the awesome computer lab at my college. Recently, I've been thinking a lot, about Ashby, about Sky, about what could've been avoided, what should've been avoided, and what intuitions I should've listened to.
Oh, and btw, I now have comments enabled on my blogs, I just haven't figured out how to link it directly to the comment button. So, I figured out that you have to click my name at the end of the blog, and it jumps you to another screen, and it says "comment" there, and that's where you can find it. When I get a chance, I'll fix the html.
First of all, no, Ashby, I still don't like you, but I checked your blog today, and I am putting it aside for a moment to say that I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. Life sucks and has a way of kicking us right where we feel it when we will feel it the most, and I understand.
Now, on to the negative and possibly positive revelations (I wouldn't count on it though) of this blog.
Sky's been on my mind a lot recently. I miss him terribly, and there have been a few... Distressing discoveries recently, even though I haven't heard from him in almost, what, six months now? Maybe more... But yes, one night, I checked out his profile on yahoo, just wondering if he'd changed anything, and by golly, he had. He had put that he was in the Navy, and that he was single. Oh, what joy. So I knew for sure that I'd been dropped. But, the fun thing was... I checked the date. And it was November 17, 2003. If any of you remember, which you probably don't, because of my incessant whining, the day that we actually got together?
Three days before that date.
I'd never been anything to him. Lexi, in an effort to try and make me feel better, said that, although she still hates Sky, maybe, just maybe, he'd forgotten to change it to "taken", or something of that sort. But I can't believe that. I don't believe that. Everything that Sky has done, every moment of every day that he spent with me, was deliberate. He's too sharp to make mistakes like that, and PLUS, wouldn't, within three days, I still be on his mind?
This whole thing circles back around to Ashby. Ah, yes, the age old battle that I'm so tired of, but still manage to keep fighting inside of myself. But everything seems to be rooted in Ashby, always Ashby. The situations seem parallel to me, about how friends, people I would've laid my life down for, have abandoned me and everything they stood for. There are times, that I absolutely loathe him. And others, where I pity him. And yet others, where I miss him. Everyone that has ever called me sister, and really meant it, has changed, abandoned everything they were. Correction: Not Lexi. But other than that, MEN have all done it.
Lex and I talk about this stuff all the time. And the other day, she said that the hatred and loathing I have for Ashby, it scares her. Sometimes, it scares me. It takes a lot to push me to that point. It takes a severe disregard of friends, family, who you are, and complete intollerance of others and their beliefs to make me get to the point that I'm at now, and it goes deep.
I never wanted to get to the point in my life where I hate someone I've loved like a sibling. But damnit, Ashby, you left me no choice. Your actions, your words, your hurtfulness, your turncoat actions and especially your intollerance for other peoples' beliefs, it's managed to take me to a place that I never wanted to go, and partly, I blame myself for how this has all turned out. Yes, you made your own choices, as right as they may seem to you and as wrong as they are to everyone else, they are your own. But... *shakes head* My absence from the clan... That could've fixed a few things. You never would've gotten involved with Lexi and broken her heart like you did. And, it seems that in your holy righteousness, you've forgotten who put some of the most support behind you for that school. No, all things before have been forsaken, so that what? You could fit into that school better? So that you can think that you did it with the help of only those who you actually want to associate with now? *purses lips* I'm not sure what to think anymore, about any of this.
It's funny, Ashby, I dreamt a few nights ago that you appologized for your actions. That you believed what you'd done to us was wrong. That you wanted to make up for it. That you wanted to really become the man we knew before all this falseness rolled in.
I don't know where it came from, I don't know if it was a preminition or what... But that Ashby, he was a blending of both worlds. He was this new Ashby, and he was the old Chris, as well, and he seemed... Calmer, more docile, and happier than both forms put together.
Now, I've done something that I swore I'd never do again, I said that I never wanted to speak of you or to you again, that you didn't exist to me. I also asked you to never come here again, never to speak to me again. All of these rules and promises have been broken, and now I'm getting wound up. I don't know where to go from here on this topic, it's so dead to me these days, it just makes me tired and depressed. What else there is to say or do about this topic, I don't know. But I'm going to ask you one thing, and I'd appreciate it if you did as I asked, since you already came back and talked to me when I told you not to.
Don't talk about this on your blog. Please. I don't want this blog to be skewed and twisted and dragged down by you or your fan club. I don't want to be under a microscope to your "brothers" and "sisters". These are my thoughts, and had you stayed quiet on my tagboard, they would've stayed in my head, and not on here. If you wanna talk about it, you know my e-mail and you can tag it on here, just... On your blog, pretend like you never read this, I'm tired of having to defend myself against your blog.
I'm tired, and I've got another class to go to. I've got a long weekend ahead of me.
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
"You're a big selfish hoofer and you're never gonna change..."
Man, unfortunately, Ashby's right. I haven't been posting on here as of late. That's probably because the net's out at our place, and right now, I'm inbetween classes and in the awesome computer lab at my college. Recently, I've been thinking a lot, about Ashby, about Sky, about what could've been avoided, what should've been avoided, and what intuitions I should've listened to.
Oh, and btw, I now have comments enabled on my blogs, I just haven't figured out how to link it directly to the comment button. So, I figured out that you have to click my name at the end of the blog, and it jumps you to another screen, and it says "comment" there, and that's where you can find it. When I get a chance, I'll fix the html.
First of all, no, Ashby, I still don't like you, but I checked your blog today, and I am putting it aside for a moment to say that I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. Life sucks and has a way of kicking us right where we feel it when we will feel it the most, and I understand.
Now, on to the negative and possibly positive revelations (I wouldn't count on it though) of this blog.
Sky's been on my mind a lot recently. I miss him terribly, and there have been a few... Distressing discoveries recently, even though I haven't heard from him in almost, what, six months now? Maybe more... But yes, one night, I checked out his profile on yahoo, just wondering if he'd changed anything, and by golly, he had. He had put that he was in the Navy, and that he was single. Oh, what joy. So I knew for sure that I'd been dropped. But, the fun thing was... I checked the date. And it was November 17, 2003. If any of you remember, which you probably don't, because of my incessant whining, the day that we actually got together?
Three days before that date.
I'd never been anything to him. Lexi, in an effort to try and make me feel better, said that, although she still hates Sky, maybe, just maybe, he'd forgotten to change it to "taken", or something of that sort. But I can't believe that. I don't believe that. Everything that Sky has done, every moment of every day that he spent with me, was deliberate. He's too sharp to make mistakes like that, and PLUS, wouldn't, within three days, I still be on his mind?
This whole thing circles back around to Ashby. Ah, yes, the age old battle that I'm so tired of, but still manage to keep fighting inside of myself. But everything seems to be rooted in Ashby, always Ashby. The situations seem parallel to me, about how friends, people I would've laid my life down for, have abandoned me and everything they stood for. There are times, that I absolutely loathe him. And others, where I pity him. And yet others, where I miss him. Everyone that has ever called me sister, and really meant it, has changed, abandoned everything they were. Correction: Not Lexi. But other than that, MEN have all done it.
Lex and I talk about this stuff all the time. And the other day, she said that the hatred and loathing I have for Ashby, it scares her. Sometimes, it scares me. It takes a lot to push me to that point. It takes a severe disregard of friends, family, who you are, and complete intollerance of others and their beliefs to make me get to the point that I'm at now, and it goes deep.
I never wanted to get to the point in my life where I hate someone I've loved like a sibling. But damnit, Ashby, you left me no choice. Your actions, your words, your hurtfulness, your turncoat actions and especially your intollerance for other peoples' beliefs, it's managed to take me to a place that I never wanted to go, and partly, I blame myself for how this has all turned out. Yes, you made your own choices, as right as they may seem to you and as wrong as they are to everyone else, they are your own. But... *shakes head* My absence from the clan... That could've fixed a few things. You never would've gotten involved with Lexi and broken her heart like you did. And, it seems that in your holy righteousness, you've forgotten who put some of the most support behind you for that school. No, all things before have been forsaken, so that what? You could fit into that school better? So that you can think that you did it with the help of only those who you actually want to associate with now? *purses lips* I'm not sure what to think anymore, about any of this.
It's funny, Ashby, I dreamt a few nights ago that you appologized for your actions. That you believed what you'd done to us was wrong. That you wanted to make up for it. That you wanted to really become the man we knew before all this falseness rolled in.
I don't know where it came from, I don't know if it was a preminition or what... But that Ashby, he was a blending of both worlds. He was this new Ashby, and he was the old Chris, as well, and he seemed... Calmer, more docile, and happier than both forms put together.
Now, I've done something that I swore I'd never do again, I said that I never wanted to speak of you or to you again, that you didn't exist to me. I also asked you to never come here again, never to speak to me again. All of these rules and promises have been broken, and now I'm getting wound up. I don't know where to go from here on this topic, it's so dead to me these days, it just makes me tired and depressed. What else there is to say or do about this topic, I don't know. But I'm going to ask you one thing, and I'd appreciate it if you did as I asked, since you already came back and talked to me when I told you not to.
Don't talk about this on your blog. Please. I don't want this blog to be skewed and twisted and dragged down by you or your fan club. I don't want to be under a microscope to your "brothers" and "sisters". These are my thoughts, and had you stayed quiet on my tagboard, they would've stayed in my head, and not on here. If you wanna talk about it, you know my e-mail and you can tag it on here, just... On your blog, pretend like you never read this, I'm tired of having to defend myself against your blog.
I'm tired, and I've got another class to go to. I've got a long weekend ahead of me.