"Don't you say sometimes, 'Oh, if we'd only known it wasn't going to work' or 'I should've known better...'"
"I didn't love her because it was right. I just loved her."
I've been thinking a lot recently, and even more last night. I'm writing this out in class on paper, so that I won't sway to one extreme or another, depending on what Ashby has said on my Tagboard in the meantime. I don't want to argue anymore, and I don't want to get angry and shoot my mouth off. And Chris, I'd appreciate it if you, this time, kept this on this board, this is between you and me, after all. No obscure references on your blog, nothing. Just keep this between you and me, and please, don't focus on any one thing and argue with me on it, otherwise everything I have said here will be in vain, and I really feel like this is a big step for me, so please, don't throw it back in my face.
*deep breath* I've gotten to the point, in this fight, that I don't know what I'm fighting for, or even, against, anymore. It's become habit, as has the anger. I'm tired of this fight, and I'm tired of being angry. It's now transformed itself into serious physical manifestations, and that bothers me. I now am pretty sure I've got an ulcer, I feel terrible all the time, I can't sleep, I cry a lot more, and I get sick more and more often. Lexi is ready to talk to you, Chris, and you need to, it's hurting her more now that you're blocking her, in your mind, for her sake. But she's ready to put an end to this, and I think you should give her the chance to. She deserves it, it's the least you can do after this year.
I am not wrong in saying that you cannot fall out of love. Love rolls all emotions into one, the anger, the frustration, the hatred, the elation, the warm fuzzies, the disappointment, and the ever present ache. It is a state of being, and it can not just be... Gone, once it has been felt for someone. If you feel like you have "fallen out of love" with her, you never were in love to begin with, and I know that was not true. Please, do me a favor and don't argue with me on this, just let it be. It is not some magical notion that you can't, trust me, there are plenty of people in this world who would agree with me, I'm sitting with a few of them right now and I know they would agree. Your feelings might not be the same, your perspective on it might have changed, but that fondness, that moment once in a while, that you think of her, that's what is still there, and nobody can ever truely get rid of that. Especially after what happened between you two.
Now, past that... *purses lips and thinks* I gave Lexi, a few days ago, a piece of advice I've been rolling around in my head. That you, Ashby, want forgiveness for what you've done, and we are the only ones who can give that to you. I was urging her, then, to look inside herself and find the strength to forgive you for what you've done. I told her that you wanted to make ammends, that eventually you'd fess up and stop running and talk to her, straight on, because you really wanted to make things better. I think, to some extent, that that piece of advice is still true.
But, right, on to me. After all, this is my blog, once in a while I should talk about myself on it, don't you think? Right, well, the more I worked with Lexi, to help her heal, the angrier I found myself. Ashby, I told you once, long ago, that I would die for my friends if need be, and if anyone crossed them, it was as if they'd crossed me, as well. The problem was, at this point, that I didn't know who the enemy was anymore. I focused on the school first, I figured, it changed you into this totally different person, it did something wrong to you, and I had to help you, essentially, "save" you from this place. Well, I ran out of excuses for that, and so, the anger turned on you. But it always was hard to maintain that hatred. After all, you meant more to me I think than you ever knew or presently know, which is why you think I don't care, because my level of caring for you was above and beyond what you could comprehend coming from me, and you aren't seeing it from the same perspective as I am. But, I digress.
Well, I did my job in helping Lexi to heal. She's got a little ways to go yet, but that part of the journey is almost over, I think. But it was so intensive, late nights, 24/7 putting my life on pause so that I could focus my entire energy into her, into helping her, that I pushed aside everything. And I mean, everything. Close friends of mine went by the wayside, I stopped a lot of things that I loved to do so that I could spend more time with her, just being with her, I even managed to push aside Sky and that whole issue, which still remains unresolved. I sacrificed a lot to help her to get to where she is now, and she has agreed, that without me, without this past year, she doesn't know where she'd be. The price I paid for her, however, was indeed high, but, in no means do I regret a moment of it. I have done what I set out to do a year ago: To help my best friend heal. And now that I've done almost all that I can, I'm left without a purpose.
I do not know why I fight this battle anymore, it is useless to keep raging like this. And, back to the advice I gave Lexi those few days ago, I think that maybe, just maybe, I owe you some forgiveness as well. I want to rest, and I want to heal, and I am tired of this fight, and it's only my nature that keeps me going like this. I have been torn for the last few weeks, over whether or not you deserve my forgiveness. If I didn't care, Ashby, you better believe I wouldn't even be having this conversation, I don't believe I have ever even considered forgiving someone for doing half the stuff you've done, even when they've asked for forgiveness. The truth is, I care, still, more than you know, about you. You have to see the method of this caring, though. Talking to you at all, that's a huge deal, and I'd appreciate it if you noticed.
If you want my forgiveness, Ashby, it's going to be a long journey. It's going to be tiring, it's going to be intensive. I'm not going to set you tasks, by all means, this will be up to you. But I respect you, in that you're willing to see that you made a mistake, and that you are very willing to correct it. It might not always go your way, we might suffer some setbacks. But what I will respect the most, Chris, is if you don't give up the fight. If you keep working at it, I will help you, much like I've helped Lexi. I won't give up, either. But you have to tell yourself that now, there is no where to run, no where to hide, and just because things aren't going to always go your way, you can't freak out and give up, otherwise I know you won't mean it. I'm not asking you to say you're sorry 10,000 times, I'm not requiring you to beg for forgiveness. I'm asking you to slowly make things up, to really make an effort to turn this around. If you give the effort, Chris, I will catch you when you fall, as I always have. Even though you may think that I never cared, or never was your friend, I never wavered, and someday, you might have my undying loyalty again, if you're willing to work for it.
I have told you my reasons, I have told you the way to fix things, I have purged myself, and I am ready to heal.
Are you?
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
"Don't you say sometimes, 'Oh, if we'd only known it wasn't going to work' or 'I should've known better...'"
"I didn't love her because it was right. I just loved her."
I've been thinking a lot recently, and even more last night. I'm writing this out in class on paper, so that I won't sway to one extreme or another, depending on what Ashby has said on my Tagboard in the meantime. I don't want to argue anymore, and I don't want to get angry and shoot my mouth off. And Chris, I'd appreciate it if you, this time, kept this on this board, this is between you and me, after all. No obscure references on your blog, nothing. Just keep this between you and me, and please, don't focus on any one thing and argue with me on it, otherwise everything I have said here will be in vain, and I really feel like this is a big step for me, so please, don't throw it back in my face.
*deep breath* I've gotten to the point, in this fight, that I don't know what I'm fighting for, or even, against, anymore. It's become habit, as has the anger. I'm tired of this fight, and I'm tired of being angry. It's now transformed itself into serious physical manifestations, and that bothers me. I now am pretty sure I've got an ulcer, I feel terrible all the time, I can't sleep, I cry a lot more, and I get sick more and more often. Lexi is ready to talk to you, Chris, and you need to, it's hurting her more now that you're blocking her, in your mind, for her sake. But she's ready to put an end to this, and I think you should give her the chance to. She deserves it, it's the least you can do after this year.
I am not wrong in saying that you cannot fall out of love. Love rolls all emotions into one, the anger, the frustration, the hatred, the elation, the warm fuzzies, the disappointment, and the ever present ache. It is a state of being, and it can not just be... Gone, once it has been felt for someone. If you feel like you have "fallen out of love" with her, you never were in love to begin with, and I know that was not true. Please, do me a favor and don't argue with me on this, just let it be. It is not some magical notion that you can't, trust me, there are plenty of people in this world who would agree with me, I'm sitting with a few of them right now and I know they would agree. Your feelings might not be the same, your perspective on it might have changed, but that fondness, that moment once in a while, that you think of her, that's what is still there, and nobody can ever truely get rid of that. Especially after what happened between you two.
Now, past that... *purses lips and thinks* I gave Lexi, a few days ago, a piece of advice I've been rolling around in my head. That you, Ashby, want forgiveness for what you've done, and we are the only ones who can give that to you. I was urging her, then, to look inside herself and find the strength to forgive you for what you've done. I told her that you wanted to make ammends, that eventually you'd fess up and stop running and talk to her, straight on, because you really wanted to make things better. I think, to some extent, that that piece of advice is still true.
But, right, on to me. After all, this is my blog, once in a while I should talk about myself on it, don't you think? Right, well, the more I worked with Lexi, to help her heal, the angrier I found myself. Ashby, I told you once, long ago, that I would die for my friends if need be, and if anyone crossed them, it was as if they'd crossed me, as well. The problem was, at this point, that I didn't know who the enemy was anymore. I focused on the school first, I figured, it changed you into this totally different person, it did something wrong to you, and I had to help you, essentially, "save" you from this place. Well, I ran out of excuses for that, and so, the anger turned on you. But it always was hard to maintain that hatred. After all, you meant more to me I think than you ever knew or presently know, which is why you think I don't care, because my level of caring for you was above and beyond what you could comprehend coming from me, and you aren't seeing it from the same perspective as I am. But, I digress.
Well, I did my job in helping Lexi to heal. She's got a little ways to go yet, but that part of the journey is almost over, I think. But it was so intensive, late nights, 24/7 putting my life on pause so that I could focus my entire energy into her, into helping her, that I pushed aside everything. And I mean, everything. Close friends of mine went by the wayside, I stopped a lot of things that I loved to do so that I could spend more time with her, just being with her, I even managed to push aside Sky and that whole issue, which still remains unresolved. I sacrificed a lot to help her to get to where she is now, and she has agreed, that without me, without this past year, she doesn't know where she'd be. The price I paid for her, however, was indeed high, but, in no means do I regret a moment of it. I have done what I set out to do a year ago: To help my best friend heal. And now that I've done almost all that I can, I'm left without a purpose.
I do not know why I fight this battle anymore, it is useless to keep raging like this. And, back to the advice I gave Lexi those few days ago, I think that maybe, just maybe, I owe you some forgiveness as well. I want to rest, and I want to heal, and I am tired of this fight, and it's only my nature that keeps me going like this. I have been torn for the last few weeks, over whether or not you deserve my forgiveness. If I didn't care, Ashby, you better believe I wouldn't even be having this conversation, I don't believe I have ever even considered forgiving someone for doing half the stuff you've done, even when they've asked for forgiveness. The truth is, I care, still, more than you know, about you. You have to see the method of this caring, though. Talking to you at all, that's a huge deal, and I'd appreciate it if you noticed.
If you want my forgiveness, Ashby, it's going to be a long journey. It's going to be tiring, it's going to be intensive. I'm not going to set you tasks, by all means, this will be up to you. But I respect you, in that you're willing to see that you made a mistake, and that you are very willing to correct it. It might not always go your way, we might suffer some setbacks. But what I will respect the most, Chris, is if you don't give up the fight. If you keep working at it, I will help you, much like I've helped Lexi. I won't give up, either. But you have to tell yourself that now, there is no where to run, no where to hide, and just because things aren't going to always go your way, you can't freak out and give up, otherwise I know you won't mean it. I'm not asking you to say you're sorry 10,000 times, I'm not requiring you to beg for forgiveness. I'm asking you to slowly make things up, to really make an effort to turn this around. If you give the effort, Chris, I will catch you when you fall, as I always have. Even though you may think that I never cared, or never was your friend, I never wavered, and someday, you might have my undying loyalty again, if you're willing to work for it.
I have told you my reasons, I have told you the way to fix things, I have purged myself, and I am ready to heal.
Are you?