Here I sit, staring at the screen, unsure of what to blog. I haven't blogged constantly for a long time, and right now, I'm unsure of what to write. My mind... It's bogged up, completely, and I don't know what to think about much anymore. My job which I could lose because of college stuff, my college stuff(which is done for another year, btw) which has landed me in trouble with my parents/job, my photography, which is going no where, one of my ex-best friends, I won't even SAY anything about that, my actual best friend in the whole freakin' world, who is learning to heal, one of my other friends, who I worry about this coming week, she's got so much to deal with soon, I wish I could be there to help her, my writing, which has started and stopped so many times, although I want to write so badly, my dog, who, although she died two years ago, I still miss just as terribly as the day she died, and, of course, the kicker and catalyst to all of these problems: Sky.
*sighs* I've been so focused on Lexi for these last few months, they've been so hard on her, that I haven't dealt with what's going on with me. I prefer things that way. Dealing with other people's problems are so much easier than dealing with your own. At least you feel like you're actually doing something, not just sitting around crying for your own benefit like you would be doing if you were actually dealing with your own problems.
I try to help everyone around me in the best way possible, and I do believe I do some good for these people closest to me. But every day, things get a bit harder for me to push away, to cover up. The only ones that know that I'm really hurting, besides those of you that read this blog, are my parents and Lexi. Both of whom know me better than I know myself sometimes. Or, most of the time. Or um... All of the time. They all come at me with different ideas on how to deal with this. Lexi's seems to be the one I'm working at, of course, my parents are sometimes pretty flip about the whole issue. My dad's pretty much in the, "Get out, do other things, the right guy will fall in your lap, I don't see why you're so upset about this guy, you never actually went on a date anywhere" and mom's like, "Guys just slow you down, got your whole life ahead of you". Dad, of course, neglects the fact that we've hung out repeatedly, this was not some "internet relationship". My dad's old fashioned, if it wasn't a date, it was absolutely nothing, you never had contact with him before, kinda deal.
I just... I want to move through this, to get better, but I can't seem to. I mean, I feel like I'm... Grieving, but I don't want to start crying. I... Blah, I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's only about what, three or four people who read this, one who I live with, another who's going to say something that I don't wanna hear, and another, who'll probably say nothing at all. Besides, my problems aren't important.
*stares at the screen* I just realized, I mean, like, really realized, that's part of the reason, if not most, of why I don't WANT to let myself cry. I don't think my problems are important enough. *hmphs thoughtfully* Gah, blah... It's true, I don't. I believe that I could be doing better things, like helping others, than dealing with my issues.
Blah, I think Lex wanted to go to the bank, so I'll have to continue this post later. I probably won't think about it much, but oh well.
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
Here I sit, staring at the screen, unsure of what to blog. I haven't blogged constantly for a long time, and right now, I'm unsure of what to write. My mind... It's bogged up, completely, and I don't know what to think about much anymore. My job which I could lose because of college stuff, my college stuff(which is done for another year, btw) which has landed me in trouble with my parents/job, my photography, which is going no where, one of my ex-best friends, I won't even SAY anything about that, my actual best friend in the whole freakin' world, who is learning to heal, one of my other friends, who I worry about this coming week, she's got so much to deal with soon, I wish I could be there to help her, my writing, which has started and stopped so many times, although I want to write so badly, my dog, who, although she died two years ago, I still miss just as terribly as the day she died, and, of course, the kicker and catalyst to all of these problems: Sky.
*sighs* I've been so focused on Lexi for these last few months, they've been so hard on her, that I haven't dealt with what's going on with me. I prefer things that way. Dealing with other people's problems are so much easier than dealing with your own. At least you feel like you're actually doing something, not just sitting around crying for your own benefit like you would be doing if you were actually dealing with your own problems.
I try to help everyone around me in the best way possible, and I do believe I do some good for these people closest to me. But every day, things get a bit harder for me to push away, to cover up. The only ones that know that I'm really hurting, besides those of you that read this blog, are my parents and Lexi. Both of whom know me better than I know myself sometimes. Or, most of the time. Or um... All of the time. They all come at me with different ideas on how to deal with this. Lexi's seems to be the one I'm working at, of course, my parents are sometimes pretty flip about the whole issue. My dad's pretty much in the, "Get out, do other things, the right guy will fall in your lap, I don't see why you're so upset about this guy, you never actually went on a date anywhere" and mom's like, "Guys just slow you down, got your whole life ahead of you". Dad, of course, neglects the fact that we've hung out repeatedly, this was not some "internet relationship". My dad's old fashioned, if it wasn't a date, it was absolutely nothing, you never had contact with him before, kinda deal.
I just... I want to move through this, to get better, but I can't seem to. I mean, I feel like I'm... Grieving, but I don't want to start crying. I... Blah, I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's only about what, three or four people who read this, one who I live with, another who's going to say something that I don't wanna hear, and another, who'll probably say nothing at all. Besides, my problems aren't important.
*stares at the screen* I just realized, I mean, like, really realized, that's part of the reason, if not most, of why I don't WANT to let myself cry. I don't think my problems are important enough. *hmphs thoughtfully* Gah, blah... It's true, I don't. I believe that I could be doing better things, like helping others, than dealing with my issues.
Blah, I think Lex wanted to go to the bank, so I'll have to continue this post later. I probably won't think about it much, but oh well.