Blah.
First of all, my apologies to Lexi. I should've just let all of this bull drop. You just know how I feel about all this, and it makes me madder that I'm helpless. I want to do something, and I can't. I don't want you to be pissed at me, I think on some level it stopped being about you and him, and selfishly turned to me. But I don't suffer people who are like this well, and I can't stop thinking about this. It's all I ever think about anymore, blaming myself for. I'm stretched thin already, I'm worn out and I'm tired and I don't want to keep going. I've got so much crap pounding on me, this is always what it comes back to, and I'm starting to fail. The definition of insanity is-To keep doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome. That's insanity. I know that no matter what I say, Chris isn't going to come around to the real world until he wants to. And the problem is, I know all I have to do is throw my hands up and say, "I give up." But it's not in my nature. I'll fight and fight and fight, until the only one left standing is me. I've got a vindictive streak and a temper that rivals most anybody's, and it takes a lot to sufficiently push me to that point, and I finally hit that point. I guess part of the reason I've fought this for so long, was because it was something real. Something I never had, something I still don't have, and something I don't think I'll ever have. To see Lexi and Chris together, it was amazing, and it made me feel good just to be alive. But I don't feel good anymore, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't feel safe or warm or happy. I haven't for a while. The sad thing is, I know that I would probably be the one of the two of us to crawl into a hole and die. Lexi wants to be better, she wants to get a job, she wants to do something, even though she says she doesn't sometimes. I don't anymore. I don't care. I just want to quit my job, walk out the front door, and never stop walking. All I do is cry anymore, I don't care about living or life. I'm beaten down and frankly, I've stopped feeling the hits. I get by. That's all. And sometimes, I don't even do that. I used to be the one to say chin up, it's all going to get better, it can't stay this way forever. But I don't care anymore. Life just seems endless, mind numbing, and hurtful. Therefore, I focus all that onto one person. Granted, I'm not saying anything of what he's done is right, and I never will, I will never approve of any of this, but it's disproportionate to his crime, and I know that now. Lexi's blog showed me that. Plus, too much time to think at work did, too.
I'm going to say that I'll wait and watch right now, and try to actually hold to it. And I'm going to keep going for as long as I can before I cave.
'Sides, what other option do I have?
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
Blah.
First of all, my apologies to Lexi. I should've just let all of this bull drop. You just know how I feel about all this, and it makes me madder that I'm helpless. I want to do something, and I can't. I don't want you to be pissed at me, I think on some level it stopped being about you and him, and selfishly turned to me. But I don't suffer people who are like this well, and I can't stop thinking about this. It's all I ever think about anymore, blaming myself for. I'm stretched thin already, I'm worn out and I'm tired and I don't want to keep going. I've got so much crap pounding on me, this is always what it comes back to, and I'm starting to fail. The definition of insanity is-To keep doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome. That's insanity. I know that no matter what I say, Chris isn't going to come around to the real world until he wants to. And the problem is, I know all I have to do is throw my hands up and say, "I give up." But it's not in my nature. I'll fight and fight and fight, until the only one left standing is me. I've got a vindictive streak and a temper that rivals most anybody's, and it takes a lot to sufficiently push me to that point, and I finally hit that point. I guess part of the reason I've fought this for so long, was because it was something real. Something I never had, something I still don't have, and something I don't think I'll ever have. To see Lexi and Chris together, it was amazing, and it made me feel good just to be alive. But I don't feel good anymore, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't feel safe or warm or happy. I haven't for a while. The sad thing is, I know that I would probably be the one of the two of us to crawl into a hole and die. Lexi wants to be better, she wants to get a job, she wants to do something, even though she says she doesn't sometimes. I don't anymore. I don't care. I just want to quit my job, walk out the front door, and never stop walking. All I do is cry anymore, I don't care about living or life. I'm beaten down and frankly, I've stopped feeling the hits. I get by. That's all. And sometimes, I don't even do that. I used to be the one to say chin up, it's all going to get better, it can't stay this way forever. But I don't care anymore. Life just seems endless, mind numbing, and hurtful. Therefore, I focus all that onto one person. Granted, I'm not saying anything of what he's done is right, and I never will, I will never approve of any of this, but it's disproportionate to his crime, and I know that now. Lexi's blog showed me that. Plus, too much time to think at work did, too.
I'm going to say that I'll wait and watch right now, and try to actually hold to it. And I'm going to keep going for as long as I can before I cave.
'Sides, what other option do I have?