"Wow, it's like some overamped homemade motivational film that makes you wanna hit something...."
Exactly how I'm feeling right now. *slams head on desk* I feel like crap, physically and mentally, and just all around bad. I'm getting sick, which is pretty normal for whenever I'm about to start a new job, which I'll be doing tomorrow. Somewhere I don't really want to work at, either. But blah, it's a job, and it's money, and that means I can bide my time to find a new job somewhere I want to work.
But Sky's in emotional pain, I can feel it, and I'm completely helpless. I feel like a dumbass, sitting here and feeling like shit, wanting to be there for him, and I can't. I can't be with him before he leaves, I can't be with him when he needs me, I just feel useless. Hell, Lexi keeps shoving me away, it's like she's mad at me, and I'm starting to feel like I'm more and more isolated as time goes on. Like Lex is mad at me for finally finding someone that I love that loves me back. I wish she'd just stop condemning me. It's what it feels like, like I should feel bad for finally getting my little moment of happiness. But it's the first time I've had the real jones for someone, first time someone's cared about me back, and so what, this is a bad thing? Should I be unhappy and alone for the rest of my life because it makes her uncomfortable? She never talks to me about anything anymore, she barelly tolerates my presence, and I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. I read her blog, all she ever talks about is hating it here. I always thought that once she was out from under her grandpa's thumb, she'd start to feel better, she might start to enjoy living. But it just seems like I created more problems, I dragged her to a state she hates, to live in a place she doesn't want to live in.... It's like I've done more harm than good. And I don't know how to fix things. I feel like all I've done is make things worse, and it's going to just make things go to hell in a handbasket between us. I only ever feel worthless and alone, like there's a wall between her and me, and I don't know how to get past it. I've always validated my worth by the friends I have, how they treat me, and how faithful I am. I keep telling myself that someday, Lexi will come around, she'll see how much she means to me, and someday I'll find out how much I mean to her, but it's been almost a year, and she opened up to Chris faster and more than she ever has with me. What does that say about her and me? I've always come second to Chris, and, yeah, to some extent, I'm bitter about that, and I think I always will. And I'm still second to him, and I'm the one that's still here! I'm the one standing by her, I'm the one who won't ever leave, the only one who's never played games with her, who's been the best friend she could have, and I'm still second to the evil bastard that's ripped her heart up and thrown it back in her face! And I'm still the supportive one, still the one that says everything's going to be ok, still the one standing by her side! How does this figure? Does this mean I'm worth less than the biggest asshole in the world? Sure as hell seems like it. But what was I going to expect? That I'd actually come first in someone's life? Hah, that's funny now, even my parents don't set me first anymore. Hell, I'm not even my own number one, I've never been worth anything to anyone before, and it's a rare person that even gives a crap if I go away. I'm good for a shoulder to cry on, to haul people up out of the muck they live in, to help them to be better people, but as soon as that's accomplished, I'm shoved back onto the shelf until my services are needed again. The sick thing is, I know nobody's going to take this blog seriously, because nobody gives a crap about what happens to me, and nobody believes that I mean what I say, I always get the, "Oh, Cheska, you exagerate so much. You actually bounce back really well after every time we slap you down."
Meh, well, it's time to start hiding crap from the inspectors that are coming around today.
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
"Wow, it's like some overamped homemade motivational film that makes you wanna hit something...."
Exactly how I'm feeling right now. *slams head on desk* I feel like crap, physically and mentally, and just all around bad. I'm getting sick, which is pretty normal for whenever I'm about to start a new job, which I'll be doing tomorrow. Somewhere I don't really want to work at, either. But blah, it's a job, and it's money, and that means I can bide my time to find a new job somewhere I want to work.
But Sky's in emotional pain, I can feel it, and I'm completely helpless. I feel like a dumbass, sitting here and feeling like shit, wanting to be there for him, and I can't. I can't be with him before he leaves, I can't be with him when he needs me, I just feel useless. Hell, Lexi keeps shoving me away, it's like she's mad at me, and I'm starting to feel like I'm more and more isolated as time goes on. Like Lex is mad at me for finally finding someone that I love that loves me back. I wish she'd just stop condemning me. It's what it feels like, like I should feel bad for finally getting my little moment of happiness. But it's the first time I've had the real jones for someone, first time someone's cared about me back, and so what, this is a bad thing? Should I be unhappy and alone for the rest of my life because it makes her uncomfortable? She never talks to me about anything anymore, she barelly tolerates my presence, and I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. I read her blog, all she ever talks about is hating it here. I always thought that once she was out from under her grandpa's thumb, she'd start to feel better, she might start to enjoy living. But it just seems like I created more problems, I dragged her to a state she hates, to live in a place she doesn't want to live in.... It's like I've done more harm than good. And I don't know how to fix things. I feel like all I've done is make things worse, and it's going to just make things go to hell in a handbasket between us. I only ever feel worthless and alone, like there's a wall between her and me, and I don't know how to get past it. I've always validated my worth by the friends I have, how they treat me, and how faithful I am. I keep telling myself that someday, Lexi will come around, she'll see how much she means to me, and someday I'll find out how much I mean to her, but it's been almost a year, and she opened up to Chris faster and more than she ever has with me. What does that say about her and me? I've always come second to Chris, and, yeah, to some extent, I'm bitter about that, and I think I always will. And I'm still second to him, and I'm the one that's still here! I'm the one standing by her, I'm the one who won't ever leave, the only one who's never played games with her, who's been the best friend she could have, and I'm still second to the evil bastard that's ripped her heart up and thrown it back in her face! And I'm still the supportive one, still the one that says everything's going to be ok, still the one standing by her side! How does this figure? Does this mean I'm worth less than the biggest asshole in the world? Sure as hell seems like it. But what was I going to expect? That I'd actually come first in someone's life? Hah, that's funny now, even my parents don't set me first anymore. Hell, I'm not even my own number one, I've never been worth anything to anyone before, and it's a rare person that even gives a crap if I go away. I'm good for a shoulder to cry on, to haul people up out of the muck they live in, to help them to be better people, but as soon as that's accomplished, I'm shoved back onto the shelf until my services are needed again. The sick thing is, I know nobody's going to take this blog seriously, because nobody gives a crap about what happens to me, and nobody believes that I mean what I say, I always get the, "Oh, Cheska, you exagerate so much. You actually bounce back really well after every time we slap you down."
Meh, well, it's time to start hiding crap from the inspectors that are coming around today.