It's not getting any better. It's getting worse. I feel like things are falling appart, and I'm not quite sure where the seams are, or what it is that's being destroyed. I feel lost, very very lost, and nobody's looking for me. And really, I'm starting to feel like nobody WOULD care if things were to just completely come unglued with me. I've kept it together for so long, tried so hard to keep going and keep everyone else afloat, that I've reached the end of my rope, and all I want to do is sit in the middle of my room and cry and never stop.
I feel like everyone's avoiding me, even though I know Lexi's not, I just feel like every time I start to get down to the heart of my problems, something happens and she has to go. I don't blame her, she's had a hard three weeks too. And I'm glad things are starting to pull together again for her, happier than I think she knows. But I've lost so many friends down here, I don't have anyone left to talk to here, and Lexi was the last one I could talk to, and she's never around. I start getting upset, she has to go. I know I tend to take these things personally, and I'm working hard not to do it right now, it's just I feel like I've done something to piss her off and I don't know what it is. And I feel what she feels, along with what I feel, and...... Well, to some extent, I don't think she feels what happens with me much anymore. She's more connected with Chris than she is with me, which is fine, I just.... No, I'm glad that she doesn't feel what I'm going through, I don't want her to have to deal with mine on top of her's and Chris'. I just need to learn how to hide my problems better, they do nothing but make me weigh down other people.
I wish I knew what it was that's bothering me, but I can't seem to figure it out on my own. I've been looking for that answer for years, and I never HAVE found the answer.
Abandoned. That's how I feel right now. God, here I go, crying. Ian, Sylvia, Liz, Bekah, Danielle, Caitlin, Casey, AJ, Sky........ They've all left me. And some of them didn't even bother to call me and let me know they were leaving. The only ones who did were AJ and Sky. The rest just decided to leave and I found out after they were gone. And you know what it's taught me? I'm not even worth a phone call. Not to any of them. I wasn't worth it. I'm not worth it. Sometimes I don't even think I'm worth it to Lexi. I guess that's just because I've never felt worth it to anybody, I've never felt like i actually served a purpose. Yeah, a shoulder to cry on and a rock to borrow strength from. Whoopty friggen doo. I'm tired of being the rock, I'm tired of being strong, I don't want to be strong, because then I feel like I can't turn to anyone else. Even in my darkest times, I'm expected to be everyone else's rock, and I do it without question, I'm there for everyone and I always have been and will be. But when other people's times get dark, suddenly I'm left to fend for myself, it doesn't matter how badly I need someone to lean on. I'm hurt and I'm bitter and I'm alone. I haven't felt this alone in a LONG TIME. I don't like bringing it up with anybody, because they always get offended, and then I wind up begging them to forgive me when I'm the one who needs the help. I'm tired of being the Omega, tired of being the one who has to make everything right by getting everyone pissed off at me instead. I hate that role, I always have. But I've always had to do it, especially with my family. When my mom and I fight, doesn't matter who's in the wrong, I've always got to beg for the forgiveness and make it be my fault, because that's what smooths things over. I'm tired of looking weak and not actually being allowed to BE weak.
God, I don't even know what I'm getting at, I'm just so hurt right now, and I feel very isolated and would just rather crawl into a hole and live out the rest of my life there.
Name-Cheska
Age-22
School-Life
Graduated from- Gryffindor
bday-10/19
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Best friend's last autobiography
Torture the potions master in horrible, violent ways
New broom
Punch Percy in face
Bring Sirius back to life
Get Ron and Hermione to finally date
Make Umbridge disappear
Bring Dumbledore back to life!!!!
Buy a hippogriff
Buy a dragon
Lexi's Blog
Thalionmorgul
My Art Gallery
Inu vs. Sess (Our gaming review blog)
Da creater
It's not getting any better. It's getting worse. I feel like things are falling appart, and I'm not quite sure where the seams are, or what it is that's being destroyed. I feel lost, very very lost, and nobody's looking for me. And really, I'm starting to feel like nobody WOULD care if things were to just completely come unglued with me. I've kept it together for so long, tried so hard to keep going and keep everyone else afloat, that I've reached the end of my rope, and all I want to do is sit in the middle of my room and cry and never stop.
I feel like everyone's avoiding me, even though I know Lexi's not, I just feel like every time I start to get down to the heart of my problems, something happens and she has to go. I don't blame her, she's had a hard three weeks too. And I'm glad things are starting to pull together again for her, happier than I think she knows. But I've lost so many friends down here, I don't have anyone left to talk to here, and Lexi was the last one I could talk to, and she's never around. I start getting upset, she has to go. I know I tend to take these things personally, and I'm working hard not to do it right now, it's just I feel like I've done something to piss her off and I don't know what it is. And I feel what she feels, along with what I feel, and...... Well, to some extent, I don't think she feels what happens with me much anymore. She's more connected with Chris than she is with me, which is fine, I just.... No, I'm glad that she doesn't feel what I'm going through, I don't want her to have to deal with mine on top of her's and Chris'. I just need to learn how to hide my problems better, they do nothing but make me weigh down other people.
I wish I knew what it was that's bothering me, but I can't seem to figure it out on my own. I've been looking for that answer for years, and I never HAVE found the answer.
Abandoned. That's how I feel right now. God, here I go, crying. Ian, Sylvia, Liz, Bekah, Danielle, Caitlin, Casey, AJ, Sky........ They've all left me. And some of them didn't even bother to call me and let me know they were leaving. The only ones who did were AJ and Sky. The rest just decided to leave and I found out after they were gone. And you know what it's taught me? I'm not even worth a phone call. Not to any of them. I wasn't worth it. I'm not worth it. Sometimes I don't even think I'm worth it to Lexi. I guess that's just because I've never felt worth it to anybody, I've never felt like i actually served a purpose. Yeah, a shoulder to cry on and a rock to borrow strength from. Whoopty friggen doo. I'm tired of being the rock, I'm tired of being strong, I don't want to be strong, because then I feel like I can't turn to anyone else. Even in my darkest times, I'm expected to be everyone else's rock, and I do it without question, I'm there for everyone and I always have been and will be. But when other people's times get dark, suddenly I'm left to fend for myself, it doesn't matter how badly I need someone to lean on. I'm hurt and I'm bitter and I'm alone. I haven't felt this alone in a LONG TIME. I don't like bringing it up with anybody, because they always get offended, and then I wind up begging them to forgive me when I'm the one who needs the help. I'm tired of being the Omega, tired of being the one who has to make everything right by getting everyone pissed off at me instead. I hate that role, I always have. But I've always had to do it, especially with my family. When my mom and I fight, doesn't matter who's in the wrong, I've always got to beg for the forgiveness and make it be my fault, because that's what smooths things over. I'm tired of looking weak and not actually being allowed to BE weak.
God, I don't even know what I'm getting at, I'm just so hurt right now, and I feel very isolated and would just rather crawl into a hole and live out the rest of my life there.